Introduction to my Search

I endured a lot as a child and always wondered, "If God loves me so much, why does he let me suffer?" I was such a bereft child that I threatened suicide at age 4. My unhappiness continued throughout my teens. Through it all I prayed. I remember getting down on my hands and knees and begging God to help me. I got no answer. My pleas fell on deaf ears. I tried to live a good life. I helped others, I believed in God, I tried to live by the Commandments. I truly, and naively, thought that the just were rewarded and the wicked punished. Why was I being punished? I was a good and worthy child. What had I done wrong? All too quickly I learned that the just are not rewarded and the wicked are not punished. Either God is evil and enjoys inflicting pain upon us, or everything in the world is the result of luck and chance.

My source of strength was always my mother. She was the only person who could understand me. She was the only person who loved me unconditionally. She was there for me throughout the medications, depressive episodes, horrible compulsions etc. She loved me. She was my strength. Then, when I was 15, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I prayed and prayed for God to spare her. God did not spare her. She died after a 10 year bout with breast cancer. My mother was a teacher, a mentor, a loving woman. She believed in God, read the Bible, volunteered. She was my heart and soul and now she is gone and I am left asking "Why?"

In the past 2 years (since mom's recurrence) I have been on a quest to find God. Everyone kept telling me, listen to Jesus' words: "Seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened to you." So I sought to find God. I longed for his love and compassion; I wanted a relationship with this "Creator" that everyone spoke so highly of. I read the Bible. I read the works of Christian Apologetics. I studied Pascal's Wager. I researched ancient religious texts. I meditated. I asked God to help me. I prayed that I would be "Shown the light." I came up empty. I never felt an ounce of love or compassion from God. I never felt that everything would be okay or that there was a plan for me. I was left feeling empty and lost.

The issue of evil and suffering is what has made me question my beliefs. In terms of evil works, NOTHING, NOTHING can compare to the Bible. Christians say that the Old Testament contains evil verses, but that the New Testament does not. Ha! Have they ever READ the Bible???

Jesus says, "Don't imagine that I came to bring peace on earth! No, rather a sword! lf you love your father, mother, sister, brother, more than me, you are not worthy of being mine. " Matthew 10:34

Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." Matthew 10:21

I have wondered if God cast Satan out because Satan stood up to him and actually told him He (GOD) was being evil. Hell, If I were an angel I would tell God he was behaving horribly and torturing people! I mean, God's acts are worse than those of Hitler, Stalin, GW Bush etc. combined! The Bible says Satan was cast out for hubris...thinking he was better than, and challenging God. It does not take a huge leap of faith to think "Gee, maybe Satan was smeared by the Bible...made out to be a devil when in fact, he was the good guy who tried to put a stop to all this evil!" Now this is just a thought, I have not researched this idea enough to debate it at all.

I have asked for help in developing a sense of faith again. I am sort of on a quest to find God – if he exists. People tell me to read the Bible...that all the answers can be found in the Bible. I have read it...cover to cover, many a time. I get nothing out of it. From the beginning of time humans have searched for meaning. Why are we so pompous as to believe OUR God is the true God and our creation story is correct? In truth it holds no more merit than the belief of one African tribe that the world was created out of ant excrement. Not to mention the false promises. And if I believe anything in the Bible I have to believe the premise of why we are here in the first place. The Bible says we are here because of a pompous, arrogant ass of a God who banished us here to suffer for eating from the tree of knowledge. Why worship a God who demands our obedience and banishes us when we disappoint him? Would you banish your kids if they disobeyed you? Would you sit by and watch them suffer if, being an all powerful creature, you could save them all? Would you crucify your child to save the world...to make an example out of him/her when you could just wave your hands and heal the world? I doubt you would rather inflict pain upon your kin.

One phrase that is repeated over and over again in the New Testament is "your faith has saved you." Those who blindy believe in God...even when he kicks them will be healed. Okay if that is true then why didn't Jesus heal my mother? She believed in him. I talk with my cousin about God A LOT. She tells me to cry out and ask God to help me. She has told me that God does not reveal himself because we have free will to seek him out if we so choose. Oyyyyyyy if I had a nickel for every time anyone said that to me I could retire at age 27. It seems like a lame excuse, honestly. It points to a God so desperate for attention and so pompous that rather than reveal himself to people, he makes them search for him, makes them despair wondering if he exists...all to prove their love and faith for him. Kind of like an abusive boyfriend - I'm going to smack you around and rape you and then hope you will get on your knees and worship me. No thanks.

I have also spoken to many people about blind faith. I can honestly say I have never met a stupid atheist. Stupid Christians - heck yes! That is NOT to say that Christians, as a whole, are stupid. Not at all. But I get pissed off when people who have NEVER investigated the Bible, never read contradictory accounts , never read Dawkins, have not investigated Pascal's Wager etc. try to sway me with their faith. I spoke about this with my cousin and she said that simply because someone is not intelligent, it does not invalidate their faith. I disagree. We are born into a religion. We are spoon fed our set of "beliefs" since birth. When people do not question it, and blindly accept the beliefs, they make the entire human race look pathetic. They proselytize and chant Bible verses yet do not understand even the basic concepts upon which their religion is based. Stupid people seem to make the best followers. When your IQ is lower than your diastolic pressure it doesn't take much convincing that there exists an invisible man in the sky! Would you expect a mentally retarded person to be able to fully grasp the concept of quantum physics? Religion, from what I have seen, is no less complex.

My cousin has also told me that my questioning of my faith will, down the line, give me a STRONGER faith. She mentioned the "Dark Night of the Soul." Many mystics, Monks etc. have questioned their faith and returned to the church with a stronger belief. To which I say...not exactly...sometimes there is Eternal Night of the Soul. Mother Theresa experienced what according to letters released in 2007, "may be the most extensive such case on record", lasting from 1948 till her death in 1997, with only brief interludes.